I was sittimg in the living room, looking for 'material' to read. It's the holidays and I am bored. There was a Reader's Digest lying around. One of the articles had the heading - 'Little known signs of depression'. I was all eyes and ears ( does such a phrase actually exist?), having lately been a bit well not happy. There was a tussle in my mind - should I read it or not? What if I read it and become convinced that I suffer from clinical depression? What next? Do I consult a shrink (is that a pejorative term?) ? I dont want to. And I don't think I even want to know that I need to. Still I went ahead. Umm sadly, I became convinced as soon as I read it that I was suffering from clinical depression. Half an hour later I convinced myself that well I wasn't.
Such indecision sadly marks my life. Well I am convinced that I am not suffering from any clinical form of depression (rest assured.!)... but well what I am not happy about is this indecision. It has always been like this. Yes there are certain decisions that have been taken ( for instance - the decision to do law) - but there are few. I suspect the cause of this malady is a deep sense of insecurity and under-confidence (as has been pointed out by The Parents and a friend). But well I don't know what to do! I know what the problem is and why it's there. However I don't really have a solution. I refuse to resort to self-help 'motivational guides' ( I enjoy a deep aversion for them) or to cute quotes aiming at reinforcing self-belief. There are times when I do believe - but the fear that that self-belief will lead to unfeasible notions about oneself (yes, overconfidence) lies parallel to that. So, to put it in simple English, what to do?!
The next problem. My over-sensitiveness. My roommates in Bangalore will attest to that (if they are reading this, they'll be nodding their heads vigorously :D )! It is a probem yes. A small comment, a small gesture, MAGNIFIED reactions - and lots of tears! Frequent and ceaseless. And along with it, the ability to not forget and to think. Why is the latter a problem? As a certain Virgo (ass!) will say, I think too much. And he's probably right. I think too much, do not let go easily and well take small things to heart. It is a problem, yes. I want to 'harden' myself, 'toughen' myself up... but I fail repeatedly.
And the next now. My day-dreaming. I'll be sitting in a room, nodding to whatever X is saying, but you know what? I'm not really listening. I don't do this all the time or with everyone. There are a few who have the privilege of my full attention while they ramble :D I also know that other people zone out too ( I have accused my 'top bunk friend' (TBF, frm now on) about this a trillion times :D )... but well the problem is the frequency of zoning out. While class (ESPECIALLY sociology - no I like the subject, our teacher however isn't exactly inspiring) is a wonderful time to day dream, zoning out while your dad is trying to spend 'quality time' with you when you're back home from college, is not. It's cruel and mean no? Along with this tendency to day-dream is this penchant for creating alternate stories / worlds blah while someone is talking. Believe me, it's actually good fun. However I'm not sure whether it's healthy. Is it escapist? I'm not a practical person, I am not a realist. I'm fine with that. However I suspect I'm the other extreme - an escapist. And well that's not a nice thing is it?
So well, these are some of the stains on the shirt. I know that the first step towards correcting something is recognizing that a problem exists in the first place. So I guess I'm on the 'road to recovery'. Lol. I actually doubt that.
Also, after meeting TBF I've started believing more in well astrology. It's comforting to know that I am the way I am because of my sun sign (Pisces). It's reassuring to know that species like me exist elsewhere too. Hmm, I remember reading somewhere - 'Pisceans are emotionally unstable'. I actually snickered when I read that. Applying Lennon's lyrics in a very very different yet apt (in my opinion), 'You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one.'
Well obviously no parallels are being drawn with Lennon here (how I wish! actually on second thoughts, I don't want to be assassinated), but it's so true na?
4 comments:
lol, your mercury is in some weird house or in a strange aspct with your sun. you possibly have a strong libra influence which makes you indecisive. get that chart done, i tell you! Lennon was a Libran and McCartney is a Gemini :D No wonder they got along so well and there songs appeal SO much to me. sigh. sigh. sigh.
lol will do! hmm, have to ask mum the time when i was born...!
o teri.........
wow! i had nuin to do so thought id see wat u had to say.... n well.. its a lot..self obsessed indeed.. :D.. .. n id wanna be john lennon irrespective of how he died... n u definitely underestimate your writing skills..
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