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Ok i think this writing this works. Often when I'm writing something down, questioning something, I find the answer ... because I write that down eventually :) Just thought I'll mention it!
.
He sits. And watches. It's the same story, all over again. The two are at it again. It's the same as before, the bad same. There is no talking. Just cold silences. Communication through him. The same complaints, conveyed silently by one and verbally by the other.
There is the same irritation. The same stagnancy. Each side is justified in persisting with the old. But why o why does he have to be subjected to it? Or wait, it's only fair, isn't it? He has to listen. Give. Otherwise it'll be selfish.
Nevertheless is this what he has to come back to always?
However, always, there are happy endings. Are these happy endings cure alls, panaceas? Dunno. However there is light at the end of the tunnel. This seems to be too long a tunnel though. God, please press the fast forward button :)
Or wait, ok, let's stick to normal pace, I guess the wait is what will make everything worth.
However, in the meantime just hold on to him :)
There is the same irritation. The same stagnancy. Each side is justified in persisting with the old. But why o why does he have to be subjected to it? Or wait, it's only fair, isn't it? He has to listen. Give. Otherwise it'll be selfish.
Nevertheless is this what he has to come back to always?
However, always, there are happy endings. Are these happy endings cure alls, panaceas? Dunno. However there is light at the end of the tunnel. This seems to be too long a tunnel though. God, please press the fast forward button :)
Or wait, ok, let's stick to normal pace, I guess the wait is what will make everything worth.
However, in the meantime just hold on to him :)
Random question
Have you ever felt that you want to insulate yourself from everything? You know, enter a glass box...more like an opaque box... or have some shield around you (radiation shield is that it?), put on sheaths of protective gear and just hide, shield... just get away? Is it escapist? and is being escapist bad? then is hibernation escapist?! hibernating till the sun comes out?!
Books!
Someone recently, quite unassumingly, told me that I have limited interests. It wasn’t an accusation or anything… just a simple statement of what that someone believed was fact. So I thought about it. Thought quite a bit, for after all, it isn’t a very nice thing to be characterised by, is it?! I realized that I do have a lot of varied interests… it’s just that they can’t all be put into nice, neat categories. Everything, to put it simply, is quite jumbled up… like the rest of my ‘self’! My room and my cupboard is a testimony to that. My brain functions in a similar way too. Nothing is neat. While this does cause agony at times (recent events will confirm this!)… it’s not a bad thing I’ve kind of realized that it’s fine not to know at times what is it that I want, it’s fine to not know what is it that I want to do in future, it’s kind of ok to mess everything up in the head and in reality (like how!) and hence take things headlong… because well I’m made that way… and so it is fine. Maybe not perfect, but then again, nothing is.
Now coming back to the interests thing. While I am genuinely interested in a lot of things, it would be too tiresome to list all of them down here. The overriding interest, which is what I’m going to talk about now, is my reading. Most of my nineteen years (yes, it has been only so many years :D) has been characterised by books. I don’t remember when exactly it was that I started reading. I know that it was my brother who hooked me onto it though. As a kid, my brother read everything. If there was nothing else to grab onto, he would read the railway timetable and memorise the same (yeah, unreal). When we had a scooter, brother would be standing ahead, while the vehicle was moving… and he would be reading. When my cousin sister got new books, brother would proceed to read them first… and then shred the book to pieces (some weird child psychology I guess). So well you can guess where the interest comes from then.
I’ve not read a lot… as in, there’s still so much more to read! However, what I’ve realized is that a lot of what I do or like has been influenced by what I read. I guess this is a natural conclusion… it’s just that the same has to be asserted again! Before one gets an ‘interest’, one has to be ‘curious’ about it. It’s only when one is curious, and acts upon that curiosity, that one comes to know whether the thing that one was curious about is interesting or not. I think reading provides one of the platforms for such ‘discovery’. One example of this would be how some people who are presently in law school became interested in law because they started reading John Grishams (it’s similar to how I always want to be this hotshot surgeon when I see Grey’s Anatomy or wish I could be a stunning basketball player whenever I see One Tree Hill!). So suppose X reads a Grisham (an author which, with the exception of ‘The Firm’ I have never read… quite a loss I guess), he becomes interested in the law profession. He looks up law related stuff. Decides he wants to get into law school. Gets in. Then studies the law there. Likes it, maybe loves it even. Voila! ‘Law’ is an interest now… initiated through the process of reading :D
Maybe the above example sounds juvenile to you. But it can be true you know! Plus an interest does not mean that you have to know everything under the sun about that subject. It anyway is not possible to know everything…! So when I started reading Isaac Asimov I fell in love with the science fiction genre. Anything related to robotics seemed interesting. I shamelessly admit that I still know nothing about robotics except the three law of robotics and some other stuff what Asimov talks about. But I still have that minimal knowledge… and that is gratifying Another example is my fascination for the field of criminology (ok I know that sounds a little pompous!) I LOVE Agatha Christie and her work. Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple’s various exploits made me interested in the genre of crime, mystery blah I then went on to read ‘Crime and Punishment’ and ‘My Brothers Karamazov’… both fuelled that interest. Sherlock Holmes helped a bit too. So that’s another genre I love.
Then there is humour and there is Wodehouse. There is fantasy and there is Potter, Eragon, the Bartimaeus (or however it is spelt) trilogy. There is school and there is St. Clair’s, Malory (or Mallory?)Towers, Sweet Valley (yes you heard right :D). There is the ‘future’ and there is 1984 and Asimov. There is the classic and there is Austen, Eliot, Maugham, Woolf, Bronte, Dickens, the book Polyanna…and so on. There is even horror and umm, R.L. Stine (I haven’t read Stephen King, and read only one Higgins Clark… so umm, Stine is the only one in the horror genre for me ). There is ‘inspiring’ and there is Roots (Alex Haley, an all time favourite), To Kill a Mockingbird, My Experiments With Truth. There is fascinating and there is Freedom At Midnight and Indira. There are let-downs and there is Kiran Desai (for me, that is), The Gathering, and the 6th Harry Potter book. There is philosophy and there is Sophie’s Choice. There is time pass and there is Jhumpa Lahiri, Chitra Banerjee Divakurni (or however you spell it), Erich Segal, Jeffrey Archer, chick lit, nri lit…and so on! There is self help and there is the Chicken Soup series or the Seven Habits series. There is Bollywood gossip and there is Filmfare, Stardust, Bombay Times, Mumbai Mirror, Bangalore Times. There is ‘chick’ stuff and there is Cosmopolitan, Femina and so on. There is news and there is The Hindu, the Times of India, Frontline. There is fraud and yet pain…and there is Frey and his million little pieces, Kaavya Vishwanathan and her book. To put it in one word, there is life…and there is Rushdie, Wells, Yann Martel, Anita Desai, Ishiguro, Vikram Seth, Amitav Ghosh, Hosseini, Atwood (The Blind Assassin, do read that!), Pahmuk (have I spelt it right?), Tinkle, Ruskin Bond, Amar Chitra Katha, Coelho, Archies, Tintin, Readers’ Digest, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, R. Mistry, Nehru and his Glimpses, Asterix, Noddy, Champak, Shakespeare, Saki, O Henry, Dahl, Brown, Narayan, Maupassant. There is, simply, just so so SO much that all can’t possibly be listed down here!
Hence, and I know my aforementioned friend also believes the same, reading is not ‘one’ interest. It is a gateaway to so many lovely things. It isn’t about articulating that you know X or Y, it’s simply about knowing something about it, or basically having the ‘feel’ of it When I was trying to assess whether I have limited interests or not, I had done some bit of introspection. Initially there had been some remorse…save for some other things, it seemed to be that my entire life till now had been about reading. However better sense dawned. I realize now that the fact that I’ve whatever I have till now is more than enough. It is only through reading that I know a lot of things, which I wouldn’t have otherwise. So well I’m proud of the fact that I’m a ‘bookworm’. Consequently I disagree quite vehemently with some of those friends back in school who could not fathom why I read so much, when there was already Chem, Bio and Physics to read! So well, that is all.
Now coming back to the interests thing. While I am genuinely interested in a lot of things, it would be too tiresome to list all of them down here. The overriding interest, which is what I’m going to talk about now, is my reading. Most of my nineteen years (yes, it has been only so many years :D) has been characterised by books. I don’t remember when exactly it was that I started reading. I know that it was my brother who hooked me onto it though. As a kid, my brother read everything. If there was nothing else to grab onto, he would read the railway timetable and memorise the same (yeah, unreal). When we had a scooter, brother would be standing ahead, while the vehicle was moving… and he would be reading. When my cousin sister got new books, brother would proceed to read them first… and then shred the book to pieces (some weird child psychology I guess). So well you can guess where the interest comes from then.
I’ve not read a lot… as in, there’s still so much more to read! However, what I’ve realized is that a lot of what I do or like has been influenced by what I read. I guess this is a natural conclusion… it’s just that the same has to be asserted again! Before one gets an ‘interest’, one has to be ‘curious’ about it. It’s only when one is curious, and acts upon that curiosity, that one comes to know whether the thing that one was curious about is interesting or not. I think reading provides one of the platforms for such ‘discovery’. One example of this would be how some people who are presently in law school became interested in law because they started reading John Grishams (it’s similar to how I always want to be this hotshot surgeon when I see Grey’s Anatomy or wish I could be a stunning basketball player whenever I see One Tree Hill!). So suppose X reads a Grisham (an author which, with the exception of ‘The Firm’ I have never read… quite a loss I guess), he becomes interested in the law profession. He looks up law related stuff. Decides he wants to get into law school. Gets in. Then studies the law there. Likes it, maybe loves it even. Voila! ‘Law’ is an interest now… initiated through the process of reading :D
Maybe the above example sounds juvenile to you. But it can be true you know! Plus an interest does not mean that you have to know everything under the sun about that subject. It anyway is not possible to know everything…! So when I started reading Isaac Asimov I fell in love with the science fiction genre. Anything related to robotics seemed interesting. I shamelessly admit that I still know nothing about robotics except the three law of robotics and some other stuff what Asimov talks about. But I still have that minimal knowledge… and that is gratifying Another example is my fascination for the field of criminology (ok I know that sounds a little pompous!) I LOVE Agatha Christie and her work. Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple’s various exploits made me interested in the genre of crime, mystery blah I then went on to read ‘Crime and Punishment’ and ‘My Brothers Karamazov’… both fuelled that interest. Sherlock Holmes helped a bit too. So that’s another genre I love.
Then there is humour and there is Wodehouse. There is fantasy and there is Potter, Eragon, the Bartimaeus (or however it is spelt) trilogy. There is school and there is St. Clair’s, Malory (or Mallory?)Towers, Sweet Valley (yes you heard right :D). There is the ‘future’ and there is 1984 and Asimov. There is the classic and there is Austen, Eliot, Maugham, Woolf, Bronte, Dickens, the book Polyanna…and so on. There is even horror and umm, R.L. Stine (I haven’t read Stephen King, and read only one Higgins Clark… so umm, Stine is the only one in the horror genre for me ). There is ‘inspiring’ and there is Roots (Alex Haley, an all time favourite), To Kill a Mockingbird, My Experiments With Truth. There is fascinating and there is Freedom At Midnight and Indira. There are let-downs and there is Kiran Desai (for me, that is), The Gathering, and the 6th Harry Potter book. There is philosophy and there is Sophie’s Choice. There is time pass and there is Jhumpa Lahiri, Chitra Banerjee Divakurni (or however you spell it), Erich Segal, Jeffrey Archer, chick lit, nri lit…and so on! There is self help and there is the Chicken Soup series or the Seven Habits series. There is Bollywood gossip and there is Filmfare, Stardust, Bombay Times, Mumbai Mirror, Bangalore Times. There is ‘chick’ stuff and there is Cosmopolitan, Femina and so on. There is news and there is The Hindu, the Times of India, Frontline. There is fraud and yet pain…and there is Frey and his million little pieces, Kaavya Vishwanathan and her book. To put it in one word, there is life…and there is Rushdie, Wells, Yann Martel, Anita Desai, Ishiguro, Vikram Seth, Amitav Ghosh, Hosseini, Atwood (The Blind Assassin, do read that!), Pahmuk (have I spelt it right?), Tinkle, Ruskin Bond, Amar Chitra Katha, Coelho, Archies, Tintin, Readers’ Digest, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, R. Mistry, Nehru and his Glimpses, Asterix, Noddy, Champak, Shakespeare, Saki, O Henry, Dahl, Brown, Narayan, Maupassant. There is, simply, just so so SO much that all can’t possibly be listed down here!
Hence, and I know my aforementioned friend also believes the same, reading is not ‘one’ interest. It is a gateaway to so many lovely things. It isn’t about articulating that you know X or Y, it’s simply about knowing something about it, or basically having the ‘feel’ of it When I was trying to assess whether I have limited interests or not, I had done some bit of introspection. Initially there had been some remorse…save for some other things, it seemed to be that my entire life till now had been about reading. However better sense dawned. I realize now that the fact that I’ve whatever I have till now is more than enough. It is only through reading that I know a lot of things, which I wouldn’t have otherwise. So well I’m proud of the fact that I’m a ‘bookworm’. Consequently I disagree quite vehemently with some of those friends back in school who could not fathom why I read so much, when there was already Chem, Bio and Physics to read! So well, that is all.
....
A few disconnected observations...
Today are the last day of hols. Tomorrow I'll be in a train, and day after, I will be back in law school. I don't wanna go back. I'm trying to make myself feel 'positive' and am trying to be optimistic (which is very difficult, because I am actually an eternal pessimist), but well am failing. I'm dreading the deadlines, submissions, exams...grr! Oh and today I learnt that one of my first cousins, quite a close one, is off to the States to study. That's one more on the list of those bound for North American countries. She (cousin) is going, my own brother is going, a really really close Bombay friend is going (from now on, NM) and a certain Virgo (ass! Hence CV) is going - the first for a two yr course, the second for a four year course, the third for four / five months. My sense of isolation currently is rather marked. Sigh. I realise that their going is 'inevitable' (as the Mother calls it), that 'everyone has to go', but, to put it crudely, it rather sucks. I feel like Peyton in One Tree Hill. She keeps on saying that everyone leaves.
Yes, I'm rather a sitcom buff. Was, actually.
While reading the paper today, came across a shocker - our lovely government is reserving faculty seats for SCs and STs in the IITs. Faculty seats! Gosh. Umm, no wonder so many are off to U.S. !
There's this Rajasthani restaurant near my place, called - 'Jodha Cooks for Akbar'. I'm not a 'hard core' feminist, but did feel slight indignation and amusement on reading it.! It's a blatant sterotyping of women and an assumption of what their roles should be...! I'm sure it was unintentional, but that's what makes such labelling worse. Oh and it's quite funny too. I'm quite sure that Jodha anyway didn't cook for Akbar- they must be having a zillion bawarchis (or well whatever they're called!) to cook for them. Plus I don't think Akbar had Rajasthani cuisine (isn't Rajasthani cuisine vegetarian? Wouldn't he like have Mughlai, umm, non-vegetarian food?). I dunno what they've shown in the movie though. Lol, anyway there are allegations that there are misrepresentations in the film. Oh and weirdly, most chefs in these restaurants are anyway men... so well, Jodha does not cook for Akbar!
I realise that the last observation was especially pointless. But well had been wanting to write it down for sometime!
Today are the last day of hols. Tomorrow I'll be in a train, and day after, I will be back in law school. I don't wanna go back. I'm trying to make myself feel 'positive' and am trying to be optimistic (which is very difficult, because I am actually an eternal pessimist), but well am failing. I'm dreading the deadlines, submissions, exams...grr! Oh and today I learnt that one of my first cousins, quite a close one, is off to the States to study. That's one more on the list of those bound for North American countries. She (cousin) is going, my own brother is going, a really really close Bombay friend is going (from now on, NM) and a certain Virgo (ass! Hence CV) is going - the first for a two yr course, the second for a four year course, the third for four / five months. My sense of isolation currently is rather marked. Sigh. I realise that their going is 'inevitable' (as the Mother calls it), that 'everyone has to go', but, to put it crudely, it rather sucks. I feel like Peyton in One Tree Hill. She keeps on saying that everyone leaves.
Yes, I'm rather a sitcom buff. Was, actually.
While reading the paper today, came across a shocker - our lovely government is reserving faculty seats for SCs and STs in the IITs. Faculty seats! Gosh. Umm, no wonder so many are off to U.S. !
There's this Rajasthani restaurant near my place, called - 'Jodha Cooks for Akbar'. I'm not a 'hard core' feminist, but did feel slight indignation and amusement on reading it.! It's a blatant sterotyping of women and an assumption of what their roles should be...! I'm sure it was unintentional, but that's what makes such labelling worse. Oh and it's quite funny too. I'm quite sure that Jodha anyway didn't cook for Akbar- they must be having a zillion bawarchis (or well whatever they're called!) to cook for them. Plus I don't think Akbar had Rajasthani cuisine (isn't Rajasthani cuisine vegetarian? Wouldn't he like have Mughlai, umm, non-vegetarian food?). I dunno what they've shown in the movie though. Lol, anyway there are allegations that there are misrepresentations in the film. Oh and weirdly, most chefs in these restaurants are anyway men... so well, Jodha does not cook for Akbar!
I realise that the last observation was especially pointless. But well had been wanting to write it down for sometime!
A few questions
1. There's this movie coming out, with the the tagline - 'When do you know it's love?'. My question - when do you know it's not love, or rather, when do you know it's no longer love? And does that then mean 'The End'? What is the end? No talking, forgetting everything, pretending it no longer existed? What if there is no 'end'? I don't know how many of you watch Grey's Anatomy (please do, it's super fun!) but well at the end of Season 3 there's this scene where Meredith screams to the world in general and to Derek in specific - 'It's over, it's so over.' - signifying to the audience that Meredith and Derek (the main couple) are finally off. Umm... but next season they're back at it again. Then I was reading the newspaper today, there was this news about a couple which has gotten back (and is probably re-marrying) after they got divorced way back in 1998. How does this work ya?
Oh and does one just 'give up' when the other is confused? Is it an 'insult' to one's 'self-respect', is it self-humiliating and degrading to not give up? Is an agreement to 'discuss' things after a certain time period, to keep everything in 'abeyance' - does that signify the end? During that 'time period' what does one do? Treat the 'thing' you had as the end? Again what does one 'do' if it's the end? And then again, what if it's not the end? What if there still is love and before you say it, there is love enough? Can someone please answer these questions?!
2. To divert a little, why o why does law school have to be endured for 5 long years?! I'm currently sitting at home, dreading going back and hence am in the phase where I don't like college. So well - isn't it inequitable that friends from school doing a Bachelor in Arts / Science / Commerce degree, get to graduate two whole years before me?! And even those engineering people graduate a year before! It's so unfair! I don't wanna go back? Why does such regimentation in education have to be endured?! Why can't I just educate myself by reading as many Somerset Maughams and other authors that I like?! (Ok such 'revolutionary' thoughts have to be read in context of the mood that I am presently!)
3. Is the key to 'living life' to not take things too seriously? How does that work out ya? Is it 'cool' to break rules and not take them seriously? Is it 'cool' to take law school academics 'un'seriously when in the process I might just lose more years and stay for more than 5 yrs in that place?! How does one fall in love and not take it seriously?! A fling is different but how does one treat a relationship 'un'seriously only because apparently one is 'young' and has a lot more to see?
4. Last question - rather, set of questions. How does one compartmentalise stuff in one's brain and not let one thing affect the other? Does one have to pretend that something never happened so that it doesn't affect the other stuff?
Ok, those are my list of questions. Could someone please answer them?! Oh and a disclaimer before I sign off, I LOVE law school, it's just that it's end of hols and I don't wanna go back : ( !
Oh and does one just 'give up' when the other is confused? Is it an 'insult' to one's 'self-respect', is it self-humiliating and degrading to not give up? Is an agreement to 'discuss' things after a certain time period, to keep everything in 'abeyance' - does that signify the end? During that 'time period' what does one do? Treat the 'thing' you had as the end? Again what does one 'do' if it's the end? And then again, what if it's not the end? What if there still is love and before you say it, there is love enough? Can someone please answer these questions?!
2. To divert a little, why o why does law school have to be endured for 5 long years?! I'm currently sitting at home, dreading going back and hence am in the phase where I don't like college. So well - isn't it inequitable that friends from school doing a Bachelor in Arts / Science / Commerce degree, get to graduate two whole years before me?! And even those engineering people graduate a year before! It's so unfair! I don't wanna go back? Why does such regimentation in education have to be endured?! Why can't I just educate myself by reading as many Somerset Maughams and other authors that I like?! (Ok such 'revolutionary' thoughts have to be read in context of the mood that I am presently!)
3. Is the key to 'living life' to not take things too seriously? How does that work out ya? Is it 'cool' to break rules and not take them seriously? Is it 'cool' to take law school academics 'un'seriously when in the process I might just lose more years and stay for more than 5 yrs in that place?! How does one fall in love and not take it seriously?! A fling is different but how does one treat a relationship 'un'seriously only because apparently one is 'young' and has a lot more to see?
4. Last question - rather, set of questions. How does one compartmentalise stuff in one's brain and not let one thing affect the other? Does one have to pretend that something never happened so that it doesn't affect the other stuff?
Ok, those are my list of questions. Could someone please answer them?! Oh and a disclaimer before I sign off, I LOVE law school, it's just that it's end of hols and I don't wanna go back : ( !
Things I don't like in myself - a highly self obsessed post
I was sittimg in the living room, looking for 'material' to read. It's the holidays and I am bored. There was a Reader's Digest lying around. One of the articles had the heading - 'Little known signs of depression'. I was all eyes and ears ( does such a phrase actually exist?), having lately been a bit well not happy. There was a tussle in my mind - should I read it or not? What if I read it and become convinced that I suffer from clinical depression? What next? Do I consult a shrink (is that a pejorative term?) ? I dont want to. And I don't think I even want to know that I need to. Still I went ahead. Umm sadly, I became convinced as soon as I read it that I was suffering from clinical depression. Half an hour later I convinced myself that well I wasn't.
Such indecision sadly marks my life. Well I am convinced that I am not suffering from any clinical form of depression (rest assured.!)... but well what I am not happy about is this indecision. It has always been like this. Yes there are certain decisions that have been taken ( for instance - the decision to do law) - but there are few. I suspect the cause of this malady is a deep sense of insecurity and under-confidence (as has been pointed out by The Parents and a friend). But well I don't know what to do! I know what the problem is and why it's there. However I don't really have a solution. I refuse to resort to self-help 'motivational guides' ( I enjoy a deep aversion for them) or to cute quotes aiming at reinforcing self-belief. There are times when I do believe - but the fear that that self-belief will lead to unfeasible notions about oneself (yes, overconfidence) lies parallel to that. So, to put it in simple English, what to do?!
The next problem. My over-sensitiveness. My roommates in Bangalore will attest to that (if they are reading this, they'll be nodding their heads vigorously :D )! It is a probem yes. A small comment, a small gesture, MAGNIFIED reactions - and lots of tears! Frequent and ceaseless. And along with it, the ability to not forget and to think. Why is the latter a problem? As a certain Virgo (ass!) will say, I think too much. And he's probably right. I think too much, do not let go easily and well take small things to heart. It is a problem, yes. I want to 'harden' myself, 'toughen' myself up... but I fail repeatedly.
And the next now. My day-dreaming. I'll be sitting in a room, nodding to whatever X is saying, but you know what? I'm not really listening. I don't do this all the time or with everyone. There are a few who have the privilege of my full attention while they ramble :D I also know that other people zone out too ( I have accused my 'top bunk friend' (TBF, frm now on) about this a trillion times :D )... but well the problem is the frequency of zoning out. While class (ESPECIALLY sociology - no I like the subject, our teacher however isn't exactly inspiring) is a wonderful time to day dream, zoning out while your dad is trying to spend 'quality time' with you when you're back home from college, is not. It's cruel and mean no? Along with this tendency to day-dream is this penchant for creating alternate stories / worlds blah while someone is talking. Believe me, it's actually good fun. However I'm not sure whether it's healthy. Is it escapist? I'm not a practical person, I am not a realist. I'm fine with that. However I suspect I'm the other extreme - an escapist. And well that's not a nice thing is it?
So well, these are some of the stains on the shirt. I know that the first step towards correcting something is recognizing that a problem exists in the first place. So I guess I'm on the 'road to recovery'. Lol. I actually doubt that.
Also, after meeting TBF I've started believing more in well astrology. It's comforting to know that I am the way I am because of my sun sign (Pisces). It's reassuring to know that species like me exist elsewhere too. Hmm, I remember reading somewhere - 'Pisceans are emotionally unstable'. I actually snickered when I read that. Applying Lennon's lyrics in a very very different yet apt (in my opinion), 'You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one.'
Well obviously no parallels are being drawn with Lennon here (how I wish! actually on second thoughts, I don't want to be assassinated), but it's so true na?
Such indecision sadly marks my life. Well I am convinced that I am not suffering from any clinical form of depression (rest assured.!)... but well what I am not happy about is this indecision. It has always been like this. Yes there are certain decisions that have been taken ( for instance - the decision to do law) - but there are few. I suspect the cause of this malady is a deep sense of insecurity and under-confidence (as has been pointed out by The Parents and a friend). But well I don't know what to do! I know what the problem is and why it's there. However I don't really have a solution. I refuse to resort to self-help 'motivational guides' ( I enjoy a deep aversion for them) or to cute quotes aiming at reinforcing self-belief. There are times when I do believe - but the fear that that self-belief will lead to unfeasible notions about oneself (yes, overconfidence) lies parallel to that. So, to put it in simple English, what to do?!
The next problem. My over-sensitiveness. My roommates in Bangalore will attest to that (if they are reading this, they'll be nodding their heads vigorously :D )! It is a probem yes. A small comment, a small gesture, MAGNIFIED reactions - and lots of tears! Frequent and ceaseless. And along with it, the ability to not forget and to think. Why is the latter a problem? As a certain Virgo (ass!) will say, I think too much. And he's probably right. I think too much, do not let go easily and well take small things to heart. It is a problem, yes. I want to 'harden' myself, 'toughen' myself up... but I fail repeatedly.
And the next now. My day-dreaming. I'll be sitting in a room, nodding to whatever X is saying, but you know what? I'm not really listening. I don't do this all the time or with everyone. There are a few who have the privilege of my full attention while they ramble :D I also know that other people zone out too ( I have accused my 'top bunk friend' (TBF, frm now on) about this a trillion times :D )... but well the problem is the frequency of zoning out. While class (ESPECIALLY sociology - no I like the subject, our teacher however isn't exactly inspiring) is a wonderful time to day dream, zoning out while your dad is trying to spend 'quality time' with you when you're back home from college, is not. It's cruel and mean no? Along with this tendency to day-dream is this penchant for creating alternate stories / worlds blah while someone is talking. Believe me, it's actually good fun. However I'm not sure whether it's healthy. Is it escapist? I'm not a practical person, I am not a realist. I'm fine with that. However I suspect I'm the other extreme - an escapist. And well that's not a nice thing is it?
So well, these are some of the stains on the shirt. I know that the first step towards correcting something is recognizing that a problem exists in the first place. So I guess I'm on the 'road to recovery'. Lol. I actually doubt that.
Also, after meeting TBF I've started believing more in well astrology. It's comforting to know that I am the way I am because of my sun sign (Pisces). It's reassuring to know that species like me exist elsewhere too. Hmm, I remember reading somewhere - 'Pisceans are emotionally unstable'. I actually snickered when I read that. Applying Lennon's lyrics in a very very different yet apt (in my opinion), 'You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one.'
Well obviously no parallels are being drawn with Lennon here (how I wish! actually on second thoughts, I don't want to be assassinated), but it's so true na?
